takes one to know one...

don't play these games.

i've played them.

they always find you out.

afternoon daydreaming...

Click click clap clap the casio keyboard beky used to play when we were kids that little annoying demo beat that I played because I couldn’t actually play…

I sing. Creamy melodies and charcoley scatting scramble out of my throat, and its not always perfect but, son I tell ya, nothing is more freeing.

I want to go away. Somewhere foggy and cooler. Somewhere to get lost and listen to music. Somewhere I can write without the distraction of work or family or friends or enemies or fluorescent lighting.

I will run in fields of wild flowers with my long peasant skirts and flirt with the daisies. My long feet and stubby toes will find their freedom in the good clean dirt.

I’ll eat strawberries and get mud in my fingernails. I wont know where I’m going. I don’t want a car. I don’t want a map.

I don’t even want my cell phone, which is as much apart of me as my eyelids.

I will still love the people I love when I get back, but while I’m gone I wont think about a single one of them.

A grip of black, fine, ballpoint pens and a dozen journals should do me just fine.

I don’t want soda and I wont want my chucks, or my chains, or my lipstick or eyeliner. Maybe a little sheep dog, like Martha. But in miniature. And we’ll go on many an adventure together. But no one else.

And when its nice out I’ll sleep under the stars and I’ll try to count them, and my Father and I can have lots of chats about them. And when its chilly and rainy I’ll sleep in a cottage with a fire burning warmly and low. Not too bright. I just don’t like it bright.

Not in a Stella way from Street Car. Its not that I fear light for my flaws or age. I have enough flaws that can be seen just as easily in the dark as they can be seen in the light.

Just in a cozy blanket of protection way.

On dark nights I will wander into the woods, with only a lantern. Not battery. Fire.

Fire… I want to smell like campfire. I want to bathe in the smokey taste of pine and redwood and charcoal. I want to guide the smoke in circles with my hands.

I want to throw my cigarettes in the trash can and smoke a pipe like Gandalf. Sweet smelling tobacco crawling silkily into my lungs.

I’ll drink black coffee and sip on lavender lemonade.

I’ll sing while I walk. While I write. While I read. Or at least hum or whistle.

I want to plant a garden. I want to grow potatoes and carrots. I want to grow roses.

I’ve never grown roses.

I wonder if its hard.

I will ballroom dance with myself at night. Every night. And I will courtesy after every dance. Because I will be classy.

Classy is how I roll… Or at least how I will roll.

I will take the train if I have I go anywhere, and I still wont wear shoes. People will look at me funny. I’ll pretend I can’t speak the language. Maybe pretend I’m deaf and cannot hear them.

Perhaps I’ll learn the violin, or maybe I’ll just perfect the guitar. And I’ll grow my fingernails very long so I can pick and pluck out lots of complicated and lovely little ditties.

When I come back, I’ll probably return to normal life. Wear shoes. Work. Be busy. Text every 2 seconds. Drive long distances. See all my old friends.

But deep inside I’ll think about the long nights of waltzing with my mop.

The Post I Was Going to Label "Choices" but Will Rather Refer to it as "What the Heck is She Talking about?!"

I'm sitting in my desk at work typing with my eyes closed because my eyeballs seem to be cold and my eyelids are acting as little wool blankets on them.

Today is one of those days where you feel like you should have called out sick from work because it would have been a far better thing to stay inside all day in your room watching youtube, reading a military diary, and sleeping.

I think I might actually still be tired from this weekend and maybe my body can't catch up any more. Maybe its just telling me "Slow down, quit your job and sleep for a few years," but I guess that can't be the best choice, rather the more tempting choice. Can't quit, have a new car (its red and cute), have to save for a trip to Colorado this summer hopefully, have to put money away for the future before its the present... So I need the job, plus I guess being industrious is supposed to be the wiser choice to slothfulness.

I feel like I said choice too many times already, I suppose when I label this blog i shall have to put the word choice in it, and darnit why do I keep typing "choise" and then backspacing to correct the spelling and make it "choice," haha darnit, did it again.

Things are strange in my life, for once there seems to be this over arching plan that has some concrete dates and ideas and hopes and my dreams are playing out in real life. I don't really know how to react to such things.

I hope I don't sabotage myself again. I do this often... Well maybe not often, but often when there is something big going on in my life that seems to be going pretty well, I do everything in my power to screw it up, just to test it you know, and then when it fails I can cry and say Woe is me! But then after I'm content knowing my testing plan worked again and I didn't fall all the way for my big hopes and dreams.

I want to go on a drive, a long drive and go until I'm tired and then I want to sleep on the beach, my beach, and I want to listen to some epic metal and cry myself to sleep. I want to be carried to a big warm bed in a fortress with servants. I want be patted on the head and someone to say, "There, There, its alright," which will make me cry more, and then I'll think, Why was I crying? I think it was just the pretty music and we'll all have a good laugh over my emotional mood swing and all the men will smile and laugh and say "Oh, the typical female!" and forget about it and give me a hug and the women will go behind closed doors and say "She thinks she's so tough, what a female!" And I'll simply laugh and not care what they say, because it doesn't really matter to me.

Someday when I have children of my own I will tell my daughters that they need to be strong and that they shouldn't cry all the time, because I'll have forgotten my time, and I will tell my sons that they must be sensitive and that it's okay to cry... Because it is. And its okay for the girls to cry too, but I have such biases, you know.

I don't know what I'm talking about or why I'm talking about it, mostly because I'm so tired all the sudden and my eyes are still closed and as I type I nod off to some dream land, that is far away from the florescent lights that make my eyes cold and dry...




I think I'll head home soon so that I don't have to be here anymore, stuck and sitting at my desk, I can simply be...







In traffic...

Rollin' Up the Walls Inside

I’m not really tired but I am very… docile? Yes, that word will suffice for my current mood and state of being.

It’s a lovely rainy day, the office is quiet, I have some lovely music playing, and my space heater keeping me company. I’d really much rather be at home or the Getty, as those are the best places to be when its raining, however, one can’t have everything they want…

Oh! The Getty! We should go there for Beky’s birthday… That was a sidenote.

How do people hate the rain? My goodness, besides the sky being lovely and dark, there’s the cuddle factor that goes hand in hand with rain, coffee, long walks (umbrella-less please), everything gets all clean and green.

Right now I’m listening to Nightwish (I have a bunch of random stuff on shuffle) and it makes me think of Ronni and Mike. Ronni and I wanna see them again in May I think. It’ll be a drive, but its worth it (Btw, if you’ve never listened to Nightwish, its long past time that you did).

Mike is hoping to leave by the end of March. It will be hard to see my dearest friend leave, but I know that the Lord has his plans and that his plans are always good, always right, and are always perfect. So many times I wonder, what would have happened that first Thursday of Spring 04 semester if he hadn’t gone to school to buy that text book? I’d venture to say that my life would not have near as many adventures, wonderful memories, very sad moments, and the angry and fighting moments would probably be a quarter of what they are now. ;) I’m so glad that we fought so much for 3.5 years. I think we’ve gotten most of it out of our system. We know each other’s pet peeves and sensitive spots and got all of that aggression out in one, concentrated lump sum.

I always ramble so much in these things. I don’t even think anyone reads them, haha which is the great part because in theory I could write whatever I wanted to. But I wont cos I’m slightly paranoid.

Anyways, as usual, no continuity and I’m done for now.

*giggle*

the receptionist in the next office over jumped out of her skin as i was walking past her desk... she was playing solitaire.

it made me giggle. i don't hate lady. ;)

Chopin, is my happy

I wish i knew what to write. Most of this will probably be misspelled and not make any sense, but then again if you've read any of my other blogs... that's the norm...

Its December and December is a strange month. When i used to work retail I hated it but i can kind of enjoy it now without as much of the commercialism, although, face it, we're all subjected to it in one way or another.

i love Christmas like a lot. yesterday was the first Sunday of advent meaning we got to sing Christmas songs. yesterday's service was amazing. i loved it muchly.

God has definitely given my father the gift of teaching and whenever I hear him preach I think about how I hope I never have to change churches. Other teachers make me snoooooore...

Yesterday some of us folks went to Santa Monica. I <3 Santa Monica with all its homeless and rich people. I love the street performers, the people trying to sell useless crap on kiosks (fake snow? whaaaaT?@!@?) the good food and the not so good food, the hippies, the hip hoppers the yuppies and the skater kids.

i love places like that. that's why i love airports, people say I'm crazy cos i like airports, but really its fabulous to people watch. Disneyland is another good place for that.

DANG I FEEL SICK. Bleh. Don't know why but I feel like my back and my stomach is all up in knots. I'm not really keen on being at work today. Sometimes I feel that I can never do enough for my boss to please him. He's not a bad guy really. In fact he's a really nice guy. Just a bit high strung.

I'm listening to Frederic Chopin right now and it moves me. I feel like I want to cry but not in a sad way. In a "Will you marry me Frederic Chopin", "Yes I will Rachel" kind of way. I'm horribly immature for saying that. Oh well.

Music... Good music... Makes me swoon. If it were possible to fall madly in love with a piece of music I'd have many lovers... Holy cow... Nocturne in E Minor, op 72. Kills me. I want to wrap up in it and lay in a field of daffodils... daffodils of course, because, well if you've seen big fish... you've seen the beauty of daffodils.

This is writing without a purpose. This is writing as a measure of catharsis. And this writing shall now-- stop.

Look at me, I just wrote a blog...

You ever get the feeling something big is gonna happen and shake your world up? I feel like that right now. Not quite sure what it'll be, but I think its coming.

Yesterday was thanksgiving. We had some family and friends over. It was nice and cozy in our little house. FAR too much food. I swear I'm still full. Mike surprised us and showed up later in the evening. Which was a nice treat.

After everyone was gone my dad and I went out on the back porch. You always feel like a little kid when you're with your parents but last night I felt grown up sitting on the back porch with my pops. We didn't really talk about anything deep (breaks, pneumatic tools, air compressors, and blood pressure cuffs), but it just felt special. Normally my mom will go out with him late at night to unwind and talk, but last night I did. And... It just felt nice.

I guess that I was kinda thinking, I don't know what the future will bring. I don't know where I'll be going or doing in the next year, and I'm not always gonna be able to sit on the porch with my dad. Someday I wont get to wake up in the morning and leave my 10x10 room to see him getting ready to walk with my mom or on Fridays sitting on the couch with bed head and a cup of coffee. He wont be there when I just want to sit next to him or give him a hug in the hallway before I go to bed.

Family relationships change so much as you get older, and really, I kind of hate it. It doesn't seem right. When people get older they are less open and less loving (at least openly). My mom and I were watching a movie a couple weeks back and there was a scene with two old women who had been friends when they were younger. One of the women was sick and her old friend crawled in the bed with her and they talked and shared secrets and were cozy.

You know, I used to be like that with my sisters. And now, I kind of am with BekyMay, although she's moved out now, but I haven't cuddled on a bed with Sarah in years. We have to be more cordial now. Not because anyone said it but because we had to do this silly growing up thing. Who's idea was it that you can't be silly and dumb and cuddly, and close when you get older?

Maybe I'm just not grown up yet. Sometimes (very rarely anymore) I will crawl into my mom's bed on a cold morning and be dorky and laugh and cuddle with her. And yet I know when I have my own family someday that's just not going to be acceptable behavior. But it just doesn't seem fair.

I look at Val and Ronni and Nan and I think, I don't ever want to have to be proper around them! I want to be able to have sleepovers and crazy random moments forever. I don't want us to go from being close in so many ways to having to give the "friend hug" aka "awkward hug" just because we got a few more years under our belts.

Sigh. This was all a bit random, but I felt like writing. Work is quiet and boring. And I am feeling a bit under the weather. And what I'd really like right now is to lay down in a huge ol' bed with my favorite friends and be cozy and watch calamity jane and eat chocolate and drink shandies and hot cocoa. (also I know none of those things go together, but I don't really care).

Okay thats all. Happy Biggest Shopping Day of the Year!